And a while back I was doing that a whole lot 'cause I accidentally moved from Louisiana over to Alabama. I say "accidentally" 'cause what happened was we was passin' through and I fell off the turnip truck!

It required some adjustments, but there were similarities as well. One very important similarity was a commitment to improving education.

In fact, the governor of Alabama, at the end of his first term, bragged about the fact that, during his administration, scores improved by almost 10 points! Unfortunately, they weren't test scores, they were football scores! It was an inexplicable rash of bad defense. But it was enough to get him re-elected!

I met some strange folks over there in Alabama. One guy I met told me that when he was little he had polio and that was why one of his legs was shorter than the other two.

But the strangest dude that I met over there was a guy who heard about all them things you could take to make your penis bigger, and he bought every damn one of 'em!

When he started taking all that stuff his penis started getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, until finally the two of them had to be surgically separated!

Well, I'm glad to be able to tell you that they are doing okay. The dude, he's still in the hospital; they've got him catherized and they're having to teach him how to walk all over again. But the penis, shoot! he's doing real good! In fact, he's got his own show on FOX cable. I'll bet you've seen that thing--The O'Reily Factor.

I recently started doing ebay. Not only is it a lot of fun, but if you know what you're doing you can get some really good bargains on ebay, because there are some people there that do not realize the value of their stuff!

For example, just last week I bought the lighter that Sherman used to burn Atlanta for only $50! $50! Can you believe it? Green BIC still in working condition!

The week before that I bought a painting called The Last Breakfast. It's a painting of Jesus and the Apostles eating breakfast burritos at the Jerusalem Mickey-Ds. It is the only painting in the world to document the friendship between Jesus and Ronald McDonald the Hamburger Apostle.

About a month ago my dog got hold of my granddaughter's Barbie and chewed all the hair out of her head. I sold that thing on ebay as Chemo-Barbie. Got $25 for it!

There are a lot of things in this world that I do not understand; and one of 'em is that I do not understand the use of the word "fuck" as a profane word. Just what is so fuckin' bad about fucking?

The best things in my life came from fucking. It gave me life. It gave me my kids and my grandkids, not to mention an enormous amount of pleasure. Shoot, even when I was just practicing it was fun! If I have one regret in life it would be that I didn't get to fuck more.

The people with whom we fuck become so special that we often call them "lovers." We even call fuckin' "making love." In case you haven't already noticed, I really like to fuck. And that is unusual, 'cause usually I only like things I'm good at!

Another thing that I do not understand is the use of the word "fuck" as a modifier, such as an adjective or an adverb.

If you use "fuck" as a modifier in a sentence or series of sentences containing alliteration, it makes it very difficult to say. Try this one:

Peter fuckin' Piper picked a peck of fuckin' pickled peppers. A peck of fuckin' pickled peppers Peter fuckin' Piper fucking picked.

If Peter fuckin' Piper picked a peck of fuckin' pickled peppers, where is the fuckin' peck of pickled fuckin' peppers Peter fuckin' Piper fuckin' picked?

Or this one: How much fuckin' wood could a wood fuckin' chuck chuck, if a fuckin' wood chuck could chuck fuckin' wood?

If you use "fuck" as a modifier in the ordinary phrase, it will often confuse the meaning. For example:

To fuckin' be or to not fuckin' be; that is the fuckin' question. Well, no it ain't! That is not a fuckin' question because it do not end with a fuckin' question mark!

Read my fuckin' lips! No new fuckin' taxes! Well, you know that's all wrong, because if they had fuckin' taxes, Wilt Chamberlain would have died fuckin' broke; and the government would have plenty of money.

That's one small fuckin' step for man, but one giant ass fuckin' leap for man-fuckin'-kind." Let me tell you something! If you're taking fuckin' steps, and making fuckin' leaps, then you're fuckin' all wrong! You need some fuckin' lessons! You need a fuckin' tutor! You need to go to fuckin' school!