THE TIGHT COLLECTION
Nursery Rhymes Written By Lawyers
Goldilocks, that three time loser--
she'll surely to do hard time--
for breaking and entering, destroying property
and leaving the scene of a crime!
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
but Jack came down with a crash!
Jill got three-to-five,
'cause she the one who pushed his ass!
The Wolf's attorney proved in court
that Red Riding Hood gave him a map.
He was acquitted for eating Granny
because he was entrapped!
The judge awarded the three blind mice
ownership of the farmer's farm.
Because the farmer's wife, with a knife,
intentionally inflicted them harm!
The Dumpty family
will almost certainly sue.
They don't think Humpty fell,
but was pushed by Little Boy Blue!
London Bridge is falling down!
The fair ladies will sue the heck
out of the construction company
and the architect!
Jack was not nimble,
nor was he quick.
Jack knocked over
the candlestick!
Jack was charged
at his arraignment
with arson
and reckless endangerment.
The old woman who lived in a shoe,
she knew what to do--she went to court!
Now she takes care of her children
with additional child support.
Who killed Cock Robin?
The jury couldn't say;
for on the Sparrow's arrow
was not a trace of DNA!
Abandoned and abused,
the jury refused to convict
Hansel and Gretel of eating a cottage
and killing the mean old witch.
Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
He did this again one night on a bender;
now Georgie is registered as a sex offender.
Two of the Three Little Pigs
sued the Wolf's estate to recover rent.
When they won their case,
their lawyers took fifty percent!
Limitation
Our eyes convert light to electricity,
this allows the brain to see;
but in this crude conversion
we miss most reality.
Our ears collect vibrations--
a small range we can detect;
and all other commotion
our brain must neglect.
Nerve cells in our tongue and nose
detect chemicals that go by.
But they can only detect those
of a certain shape and size.
Our skin has little nerve cells
that respond to mechanical events.
They convert them to electricity,
and our brain makes them make sense.
With all these limitations
it is easy to show
that there is much reality
that we can never know.
And what we are missing,
I'm led to believe,
is far more than that
we can perceive.
Wild Horses
I didn't want to leave;
I wanted to stay,
but wild horses
drove me away!
I wanted to come,
but dog-gone-it,
wild horses
kept me from it!
I should have known
they were up to good
when wild horses moved
into my neighborhood.
And ever since
the wild horses came,
they keep me from doing
all kinds of things.
They won't let me rake
or mow the yard,
clean the house,
or do work that is hard.
They make me stay inside--
drink and eat,
sit in my chair--
prop up my feet--
Watch TV--
press buttons on the remote--
and feed the wild horses
sugar and oats!
Perspective
If one had to die--
chicken or prince--
which death
would make better sense?
If you ask a rat
which one should pass,
he wouldn't give
a rat's ass!
But it would be
the chicken that died
if the prince
was the one to decide--
And the heart of the chicken
would keep on tickin'
if it was the chicken
who was doing the pickin'!
But ask a goat
to resolve this spat,
and he would likely
agree with the rat.
"Man is the measure of all things,"
Protagoras once wrote.
But he was a man,
not a chicken, rat or goat.
Chicken Soup
A plant popped up in my garden;
I nourished it and it grew.
Its stalk was strong;
its leaves thick and bright.
It thrived in the rays
of the summer sunlight.
Proud it stood on that fateful morn
as a visitor came to view--
this hardy plant
in the morning dew.
"That's a weed!"
he related in a shout.
So I kneeled over
and pulled it out.
Child-Proof
Child-proof caps
are no damn good
for those of approaching
our second childhood--
The instructions leave us
in such great doubt,
we need the help of a child
to figure them out.
No Comparison
There was a wreck
on the interstate.
Traffic was backed up;
everyone would be late.
When it became apparent
we were going nowhere,
we got out of our cars
to get some fresh air.
To my left was a man
who drove a new Lexus.
I looked at his tag;
he was from Texas.
He was ranting and raving!
At the mouth he foamed--
as he shouted obscenities
into his cell phone!
Being delayed
had set him aback.
He smoked a cigarette,
then opened a fresh pack.
On the side of the road,
pushing a buggy,
was a homeless man--
shabby and grubby.
As he walked past my car
I asked, "How ya doin'?"
He said, "I got a chipped wheel
in need of some gluin',
But other than that
things are just fine."
He smiled and walked on--
sipping his wine.
I looked at the Lexus--
I looked at the cart--
and I pondered what it was
that set these men apart.
As the bum drank his wine--
the Texan hacked a cough;
and I wondered which
was better off.
Good Parasites
A good parasite
doesn't kill its host.
This allows them
to exploit them the most.
A bad parasite
kills their host in haste,
then they must search for another to waste.
The thing we call love
makes our lives bright;
it also allows us
to be good parasites.
Condensation
Money is like water,
when it goes into motion,
the pools, streams and ditches
drain to the oceans.
Gravity demands
that material formations
slowly drift
to lower elevations.
And the oceans will not share
with the pools, ditches and streams,
except what the sun
takes from them in steam;
And when condensation
makes it heavier than air,
that is when
the poor get their share.
So the rich will always
put the money away;
and the poor will bow
and to the heavens and pray--
for the heat of the sun,
to take some of these riches,
and caused them to fall
in the pools, streams and ditches.
Fear
As I walked out my door
to check the mail,
I saw a dog--
sickly and frail.
It was a Rotweiller
with massive jowls.
As I kneeled beside him,
he started to growl!
His fierce demeanor
did cause me fright;
I was afraid
that he might bite.
So I left him there--
all alone--
hoping he would
return to his home.
The next morning
the dog lay dead.
Flies encircled
his ugly head.
He died of fear,
I do believe,
mine to give--
his to receive.
When The Chips Are Down
As I walked in the door
of my neighborhood store
I saw a sign, "Lays 79 cents!"
I thought, "Who could ask for more?"
But the clerk informed me
that my mind had been tripped.
I was thinking sex,
but they were talking chips.
So in my dismay
I bought those salty chews,
and with a six pack of beer
eat and drank away my blues.
Wretch
I know a poet,
I won't mention his name,
who tortures himself
to write of the pain.
He sets himself up
for an emotional fall,
then proceeds to beat
his head against the wall.
And he writes of the torment
and the agony he's feeling;
he calls it his way
of bringing on healing.
But, in truth I think
that he walks into hell
because failing is the one thing
he really does well.
I do not pity him;
he chose this way to go,
to be a magnificent wretch--
rather than an average Joe.
Prozac Killed The Poet
In youth we build ideals--
we build them so grand;
our minds construct boulders
from grains of sand.
Then in maturity--
wisdom we gain--
by reducing our boulders
back into grains.
And we scribble a few lines
in the sands of time,
in celebration and in mourning--
sign Posts of joy and of warning.
But enter that chemical grin--
that separates hand from pen!
It courses our veins--
vanquishing our pain.
Goodbye, old truthful friend!
Cold has turned to warm.
Whole is that
which once was torn.
The poet is dead,
but not buried in the ground--
and silent is the sound
of the call--
for the poet will not
be missed at all.
Crazy?
Why do people think
a better deal they'll find
if they do business with
those of demented mind?
Wild Bill and Crazy Eddie--
their minds they have lost,
So we think we can buy from them
at less than dealer cost!
These merchants are so crazy
that we think, just maybe,
we can steal from them
like taking candy from a baby.
Does this reflect our nature--
that we are so evil--
that we would like to swindle
those with minds so feeble?
If this is how it is,
and people are looking to cheat,
slogans such as these
would help business compete:
"Special Ed's Used Cars--
everyone is a gem!
Hitch-hike to his lot
and you might steal a car from him!"
Or, "Stupid Johnny's Home Appliances,
he's so retarded he may
let you have a refrigerator
and forget to make you pay!"
But I guess the reality is
that people fall for these pitches.
So that being considered crazy
can help to bring you riches.
"You can't cheat an honest man,"
is how the saying goes.
This technique works so well because
there are so few of those.
Interview
The interview went well,
I felt inside my gut,
until I let the door
hit me in the butt.
This was the very thing
they told me not to do--
as they concluded
my interview.
It hit me in the butt!
I started to sob.
I guess this means
I won't get the job!
McSCREWED AGAIN
Ronald McDonald,
the hamburger clown,
couldn't get me
to woof a burger down.
Mayor McCheese
and Hamburglar who steals
couldn't sell me
a Happy Meal.
I resisted all
the cute character glut;
but I fell for McDonna,
the hamburger slut.
Wrecks Parade
Each year on Mardi Gras day
we get into our cars,
and visit a few
of our neighborhood bars.
Then through the streets
in our cars we cavalcade;
And we call this event
The Wrecks Parade.
We throw to the revelers
old casino cups.
And what parts fall from our cars
they are free to pick up.
Bailing wire, duct tape
and super glue
is what it takes
to join our crew.
And we meet quite often
on the side of the road--
patiently waiting
for our cars to be towed.
Our king and queen--
they ride in the wrecker,
waving tire tools
as their royal scepters!
And the children watch
so starry-eyed--
hoping some day
they too shall ride--
just like their neighbors,
their maws and their paws
in the Wrecks Parade
On Mardi Gras.
Glad I Didn't Know
Everything I've ever done
that I considered good,
required more work
than I thought it would.
But I didn't know,
and for this I'm glad,
for I wouldn't have done them
if I had.
