Being from the south in the buckle of the Bible Belt religion has always been a really important part of my life. In fact, up until just a few years ago I had always attended the same church--The First Vegetarian Church of New Orleans. Now, that was a good congregation! A really good place to worship!

Then one day we discovered that there was another First Vegetarian Church over in Slidell. Now to be honest, we didn't know which one was really first. But people started arguin'; before you knew it they were fightin'! All this lead to pew-clearing brawls, bombing' and drive-by shootin's; so I got out of that church and affiliated with the Ninth Vegetarian Church over in Hammond, Louisiana.

This was another good congregation--another very good place to worship.

But then one day, lo and behold! we discovered there was another Ninth Vegetarian Church over in Baton Rouge!

About this time I met up with a charismatic evangelist who changed my life. He converted me to his church; and I have been very happy with my association there. So happy in fact that I was inspired to write this poem about our preacher and our church. I hope you like it.



His parents musta been
some kinda sick.
They named him Penis,
but they called him Dick.

He had to be a man of God--
other prospects looked rather slim--
God was the only person
who didn't make fun of him.

He started a combination
Church and grocery store--
where you can pray and buy dinner.
He called it Save-A-Sinner.

Every Sunday morning he reminds us that
we are loved by the man upstairs.
And that when we die we'll do commercials
like John Wayne and Fred Astair.

We wear strips of plastic bubble wrap
and we pop them as we pray.
And to show our faith,
we handle rubber snakes.
yell, "Praise the Lord!"
and "Pass the plate!"

Last Sunday morning Reverend Dick shouted,
"I see a revelation in this pop up video!"
I said, "Hey, hold on a minute there, Dick;
it better not be about that being born again stuff,
'cause if it is I gotta pass.
My mom said she would kick my ass!

And don't tell me, my reverend, my friend,
that you're starting up the Jehovah's Witness
Protection Program again!"

"Naw," he said. "It's something else--
something far more thrillin'!"
He said he heard the voice of God
and he sounded like Bob Dylan!

"Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not cop a feel
on a Ferris Wheel.

Thou shalt not frown
at the jugglers and the clowns
when they refuse to put the toilet seat down.

Thou shalt not lie too much.
Thou shalt not be a warrior,
'cause if you're bad in this life
you might come back as a lawyer.

Thou shalt not pull out in front
of others as you go,
even if you are
in a hurry to go slow.

If the baby got colic
don't let it linger,
ever so gently
pull the baby's finger.

Don't beg, don't borrow,
don't panhandle.
You don't need the Weather Channel
to tell you when to wear flannel!"

**********

I was going through some stuff in my attic a while back and found my old Funk & Wagnall's Standard Desk Dictionary. As I thumbed through the pages, I came across the definition for the word "religion." It was defined as, "The beliefs, attitudes, emotions, behavior, etc., constituting man's relationship with the powers and principles of the universe..."

And I thought, how ironic that philosophies that are supposed to guide us in harmony with the powers and principles of the universe, have instead given us a reason to fight. Philosophies which should have given us world peace, have instead given us war after war after war!

It has been said that war over religious differences is like fighting over who has the best invisible friend. Given that we have fought for centuries over "invisible friends," there would appear to be little hope for real world peace.

But is it religious differences over which we fight, or are we destined to fight and religion just happens to be a reason to do so? Is there something in our constitution that compels us to fight, and we fight over religious differences simply because they are there? If religion suddenly vanished, would we look around to find something else over which to fight?

Yes, we probably would, but at great cost to our self-esteem. Fighting over God is noble. The other things over which we might fight would seem trivial and stupid, and fighting over them would make us feel trivial and stupid.

**********


An area of the world where fighting has for so long occurred because of religious differences is the Middle East. So many bombs, grenades, and shell have exploded there that they call it the "holy land." All three major religions have staked claims here. The conflict in this region today is between the state of Israel and almost all of its neighbors. It is time for this conflict to end.

A while back I was visiting friends near Mt. Driskell, Louisiana. One morning as I climbed Mt. Driskell, I prayed for world peace. This was actually just a ploy to fool God into thinking that I was a selfless person before I asked for the stuff that I really wanted. But suddenly, I saw an apparition--a Burning Bush (George W., I believe), drinking a Bush beer while hiding behind an Anheuser Bush filled with lovely Anheuser berries. Then, all at once the Bushes burst into flames! And as they burned God spoke to me from the flames.

God said, "Hey, DB. S'up?" I said, "The price of Gas, lord." "Nope," God said, "The answer I was looking for was "stalactites."

And I replied, "God, do you think I'm a caveman?" And God spoke again, changing the subject, "DB, you know any Jews?" "Yep, a couple," I replied. "Tell them they can have Alabama as their new home land," God said. I said, "Ok, I'll tell 'em."

And I thought, Wow! What a great idea! Give the Jewish people Alabama to be their new homeland and all fighting in the Middle East would stop! Jews are really smart people and New Israel would make a good neighbor for us; I think. And, Alabama could certainly use some improving.

But then I started thinking that maybe God was trying to trick me. It's not like he hasn't done this before. Would Alabamians simply relocate so as to give the Jews a new homeland as God requested, or would they fight to keep what had been theirs?

So I returned to Mt. Driskell to talk with God again just to be sure. And God said, "Read my lips! Alabama shall be New Israel! Alabamians love me more than any other people. In fact, they worship me! They will willingly give up their state without a fight because it is my will that they do so!"

Then God ask me, "What do you call a person who loves their enemies, forgives them, and turns the other cheek?" "A Christian," I replied. God said, "Wrong! The answer I was looking for was pussy!"

**********

I've heard of surveys that claim that about 95% of Americans believe in God. I wonder about these surveys. I think that surveys like these might be as valid as a survey on who picks their nose or pees in swimming pools.

When I taught Psychology, I conducted surveys of my students as we began our unit on the subject of Conscience. I asked my students to give anonymous, honest answers to some questions concerning their conscience.

Some classes were asked to respond to a survey which contained the following questions: (the percentages of "yes" responses follow each question)

1. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you rob a bank? 62%

2. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you cheat on a test in school? 88%

3. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from your employer? 45%

4. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from a wealthy person? 60%

5. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from a poor person? 15%

6. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you kill someone? 10%



Other classes were asked to respond to this slightly altered survey:

1. Do you believe in God? 92%

2. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you rob a bank? 22%

3. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you cheat on a test in school? 48%

4. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from your employer? 24%

5. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from a wealthy person? 38%

6. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from a poor person? 10%

7. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you kill someone? 5%

In another conscience probing activity I asked some of my classes to write a paper describing what they would do if for one day they were invisible. Their responses dealt almost exclusively with money floating from bank vaults, other acts of theft, voyeurism, sexual assault, revenge, and aggression which frequently included murder.

For other classes I gave the same assignment, except that I prefaced the activity with a question about the students' belief in God. These students wrote very different stories than did the other classes. Their imaginary stories often included such topics as, helping the poor and homeless, putting drug dealers out of business, and Robin Hood kinds of stories.

So it seems that a lot of us believe in God, but only if we are reminded that we believe.



People talk a lot about heaven and hell. I can't really conceive of either. It would be difficult for them to be actual, physical places.

For example, heaven for me would be in a quiet place with my dog. If there were any music at all it would be Laura Sullivan or Yanni. But to my neighbor it would be a horde of people, with alcohol, other drugs and loud music. Heaven couldn't be the same for us.

But my hell could be to participate in his heaven and his hell could be to participate in my heaven. That would work. But I prefer to think of heaven as an everlasting Demerol shot. And I prefer not to think of hell at all.