In my humble opinion bumper sticker are the best invention since sliced turkey; you know, that really thin kind. A bumper sticker will turn the back side of your car into a rolling billboard giving guidance to all as you cruise the highway of life. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times that the timely advise contained on a bumper sticker has saved my stupid ass!

Like the time I was driving along being really mad about the direction in which our country was headed, when all of a sudden this asshole pulls out in front of me and proceeds to poke along at 20 miles per hour.

Well, I started thinking--if this asshole was stupid enough to be in a hurry to go slow, then he's probably also stupid enough to have voted for the pinhead who's screwing up our country!

So I eased up a bit to get close enough to pop a cap at his ass, when just in time I read, "Don't Blame Me, I Voted For The Other Dude!"

**********
Another time I was driving along and I was confused. I mean, I knew we had a war going on but I could not decide; should I be supporting our troops or them enemy troops?

But the next car that passed my retarded ass--that's right, it had that bumper sticker--it said, "Support Our Troops!" I said, "shit! That's exactly what I'm gonna do! I will never again support them enemy troops!"
**********
I lived in Louisiana most of my life, and I discovered that in Louisiana it's a good idea to put your political bumper stickers on your car AFTER the election. You wait and see who wins, then you put the winner's bumper sticker on your car. By doing this not only can you avoid retribution, you might also be able to parlay it into an advantage. "Hey there Mr. Sheriff, check out my bumper sticker! I voted for you! I supported yore monkey ass! Now how about a little help getting my grandma outa jail?"

Yeah, in Louisiana politics are vindictive and crooked. I wrote a little poem about this. I hope you like it.

Louisiana has its bayous and boats.
It's also the state where dead peoples vote.


If our dead can dig out of their graves,
the voting lines to brave,
then you and I got no reason that's valid
for not going to the polls to cast our ballots.

Yeah, in Louisiana even the tombstones have political stickers on 'em. "Don't Blame Me, I Voted For The Other Guy TWICE! He Da Pro-Afterlife Candidate!"

********** Bumper stickers I'd like to see:

"My child is a trustee at the Angolia State Prison."
"My child is grown but still lives at home."

**********

For almost 30 years of my life I was a school teacher. Since retiring I find I really miss those days. Reminiscing, here is a poem that I wrote during my days as a teacher. I hope you like it.

After class one day,
I heard a student say
That I was a "mother fucker!"
I told him, "No Way!"


But then at a PTA meeting
I changed my mind.
I met that kid's momma
and she was really fine!


That taught me a lesson,
now when called this obscenity,
I ask to see a picture
before I disagree!

Yeah, those were the days! The children would call me a "motherfucker" and I'd have 'em bring in pictures of their mommas so I could assign 'em a spot on my Mother Fucking Waiting List.

Now I don't have a waiting list, so I do volunteer work as a Surrogate Motherfucker!

********** When I ponder the changes I'd make
if I could live my life anew,
the answer is always the same--
there would be quite a few.

But the changes I would make
probably would not pay.
They would just allow me to
screw up in a different way.

********** Weekends are good,
until Sunday afternoon;
for it is then that I realize
it will be over soon--

And Monday will surely come
and show its ugly butt--
and for five days
I'll be stuck in a rut.

But the enjoyment of my Sunday
would certainly extend,
if the lottery drawing were held
Sunday night at ten.

Then I could enjoy
this final day of rest--
until 10:01--
then I'd get depressed.

********** When we describe happiness,
or our emotional pain,
why do we credit the heart
when these come from the brain?

When we are rejected,
that emotional thud
comes from the brain--
the heart just pumps blood.

And when we succeed
in life's hustle and bustle,
it's the brain that feels joy--
the heart is just a muscle.

To credit the heart
and slight the brain,
is just not right;
it seems such a shame.

But it would be difficult
to right this great wrong
because we'd have to change the words
to so many songs.

And if this were done,
they would not sound the same.
Can you imagine
an Achy Breaky Brain?

And even ole Elvis
would have found it a hard sell
had he proclaimed
Brain Break Hotel!

But can you imagine
a bigger fiasco
than I Left My Brain
In San Francisco?

So although it is improper,
and scientifically wrong,
we must keep it like it is
for the sake of all these songs.

**********

Email # 1

>>>>forward from Elmer Glick>>>

>>>>I checked this out and it appears to be on the level.

Bill Gates is wanting to give people a billion dollars!

All you have to do is to stick one index finger up your nose, and the other index finger up your butt--then rotate fingers.

Have someone take a picture of your finger rotation and send it to Bill Gates. He will then give you a billion dollars.

What do you have to lose?

BillGates@fingerrotation.net

**********

Email # 2

To: Barrister Jones

Thank you for your email informing me that, in Africa, a person with the same last name as the fake last name I used to get this email account had died leaving no heirs, and that I could split with you his estate of $16,000,000.

It is with regret that I must decline this offer. In the past few days I have won three lotteries that I didn't even enter! And, just last week I had previously unknown relatives killed in India, Mongolia and Russia! These relatives also had no heirs, so I will be sharing their fortunes.

These tragedies will net me more money than I can possibly spend, and therefore, I do not need any more money.

Thanks and best wishes.

**********

GOOGLE THIS!

I put the term "fart face" into a search engine. This is what I got:

1. Buy "fart face" without a prescription!
2. Books on "fart face" at Amazon.com!
3. Obama will give you $2,500 to go back to school to study "fart face!"
4. Rate my "fart face!"
5. Which "fart face" mom are you most like?